Frustrated by your lack of
wealth and prestige? Looking for a hobby that makes you seem layered? Stark,
raving mad? There are plenty of reasons for writing a story, but strangely
there’s also a real lack of practical advice on churning out a good one. Well,
now there’s this. I hope you find the following as inspiring as I used to find
things before Edward Snowden revealed the true face of modern American life and
soured me on everything, forever.
Genre
The Modern Language
Association defines genre as ‘a set of unbreakable conventions designed to let
your reader know if they’ll like your story without having to read it.’ When
choosing a genre, base your decision on what you are hoping your story will
accomplish. If you want the widest possible audience, choose Fan Fiction. If you want rabid fans who
are either obnoxiously loud or suspiciously quiet, choose Science Fiction. If you want to make money, choose Erotica. If you don’t care about money
and want the smallest but most self-important audience, choose Literary Fiction. Make sure you choose
carefully, though—the genre you select for your first story is the one you will
be stuck with for the rest of your writing life.
Theme
There’s no single element in
a story more important than theme. This is the underlying message of your
story. The earliest recorded theme in a story was found in cave paintings in
Southern France and has been identified by researchers as ‘I killed the thing no one else could kill and now deserve sexual
gratification.’ Some themes are universal regardless of genre, such as ‘I thought you were the alien but now it
seems I am the alien,’ and ‘I was
planning to fuck but am instead being fucked.’ Others are more closely tied
to genre, for example ‘My psychic
abilities make me an ideal ruler’ is strictly tied to Science Fiction; ‘You hurt me
more than you know but now you will know from reading this’ only works for Literary Fiction. After selecting a
theme you must make sure that every single decision you make while writing
reinforces that theme so there can be no ambiguity in your readers mind.
Ambiguity is a story killer—people read so someone will tell them what to
think, so don’t be afraid to be clear. If you find yourself approaching the end
of your story and aren’t sure your theme is coming across strongly enough,
consider inserting a character who is either very young or very old and having
them speak your theme aloud.
Character
The main character in your
story, regardless of any other factor, is already someone you know very
well—you! The secret is in distorting the details of your real life so that
they fit your chosen genre and theme. For example, if you are writing Fan Fiction and your theme is ‘Hermione repays my kindness with sexual
abandon’ you will have to grant yourself increased medical knowledge so you
can better help Hermione when you find her wandering the forest moon Endor with
a sprained ankle. If you are writing Literary
Fiction and your theme is ‘I feel
things very deeply because I am an artist with a broken heart,’ consider
switching things around so your character is in their second year of graduate
school instead of their first and it’s your mother you can’t relate to instead
of your father.
If your
story involves secondary characters, assign each of them a physical quirk so
your readers can tell them apart easily. Popular physical quirks include limps,
missing eyes or fingers and cleft palates, but feel free to get creative.
Plot
This is the shit that happens
during your story. You can make this up as you go along, or if you get stuck,
steal the broad strokes from The Odyssey.
Setting
There are some who would have
you believe that the setting of your story is the most important element, but
these people are wrong. Consider: almost all of Raymond Carver’s stories took place
in Atlantis before maverick editor Gordon Lish made him change them. Decide if
your story takes place inside or outside and move on.
Style
Some would have you believe
that Style is something so that can only be developed over time, that you need
to do a lot of writing before you develop a strong, distinctive voice. These
people are lying, and are probably rival writers feeding you misinformation to
discourage future competition. Style is simply based on your comprehension of
vocabulary and grammar rules. Famed author Cormac McCarthy, for example, is
known for having a distinctive style, but in fact the way he writes is due
entirely to his suffering from severe dyslexia and being forced to dictate all
of his novels into a broken phonograph due to tender fingertips and crippling
technophobia. You’re stuck with who you are, folks, so you might as well enjoy
it.
That should be plenty to get
you started on your literary career, so why don’t you stop consuming and start
producing. Good luck, and by way of inspiration heed the words of the great
Joan Didion, who said, “I just start typing and quit when I get sleepy!”
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