Fellas, we all know there’s nothing
better than finding someone to share your life with, but sometimes it’s hard to
keep things spicy, even with the perfect partner. Time really does take a toll
on romance, what with all the feigned interest and bullshit compromise, the
deadening stability, the way she judges you with her eyes…here are 13 tricks
that every man needs to know to keep his love feeling like an affair and not a
monument to the inevitable decay of all biological matter.
While she’s
sleeping, leave a bunch of open candy wrappers around her side of the bed.
Then, bite your own arm hard enough to leave marks. When she wakes up, show her
the wrappers and the bite marks and tell her she was binging in her sleep and
that when you tried to stop her she attacked you like a wild animal.
Install an
emergency eye wash station in your home. When she asks about it, tell her it’s
part of a three-part anniversary present and that it’ll make sense when she
sees all three parts.
Replace all the
clothes in her closet with duplicates that are 2 sizes smaller, replace all her
shoes with duplicates that are 2 sizes larger.
Sometimes, an
element of danger is what you really need to rediscover your passion for one
another. Try releasing a swarm of bees in the room before making love
(especially effective if either of you are allergic).
Make a mix CD of
all her favorite songs (make sure she sees you working on it) and give it to a
woman you work with as a present.
Indulging in
role-play might seem cheesy, but it really works! Pose as one of her
ex-boyfriends on Facebook and begin a flirtation that becomes more and more
intense until she hints that she’d like to get together in person to see if the
chemistry transcends social media. Tell her to meet you somewhere really
romantic, like a wharf. When she arrives and finds you waiting for her, she’ll
owe you big time.
Come up with a
‘freebie’ list of celebrities you’d each be allowed to hook up with guilt free,
given the opportunity. This is a great way to start a big fight, especially if
you are characters in a sitcom.
Greet her at the
door when she gets home from work wearing nothing but pots and pans.
Make sure she
knows that she’s always your top priority, expect for when it comes to Sunday
at 9pm. That time is set aside for Game of Thrones.
Surprise her by
cooking her favorite meal. While she eats, giggle at each bite she takes but
refuse to explain what you’re laughing at.
Learn to
weaponize her secrets and disarm her by throwing things said in confidence back
in her face to win arguments.
If your love
life is feeling a little staid, trying mixing things up by ‘getting busy’ in an
unlikely place. Show up at her office and make your amorous intent clear by
stripping naked. If she resists, it’s probably because she’s cheating on you
with one of her co-workers. Probably that guy Jeremy over there in the next
cubicle. Remember how she was still laughing last night at dinner about
something he said to her at lunch? And when you asked her what it was, she said
it would take too long to explain? That sweater he’s wearing, isn’t that the
same one she was trying to convince you to buy at the mall last week?
Every once in a
while, stare at her face really hard and whisper, “You really can see it at
this angle.” When she asks what you’re talking about, act embarrassed that she
heard you and change the subject. If she insists, tell her you were just
thinking about something her dad told you (this works especially well with the
75% of women who have issues with their father).
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