Send him a text that says, ‘can’t wait,’ wait ten seconds,
then send him another one that says, ‘sorry, that was meant for someone else.’
Wait another ten seconds, then send him another message that says ‘sorry, that
was meant for someone else.’
Ask, “Is that what you’re wearing?” no matter what he’s
wearing.
Tell him you read Watchmen and that the movie was much more
nuanced.
Stab his friends.
Make a deal with a wizard so that the wizard will make him
age in reverse, give him up for adoption as soon as he’s around 12.
Insist that Ernest’s friend Vern was played by Alan King and
that he starred in a spin-off movie called ‘Vern’s Fern Adventure.’
Undermine his pets.
Pick his battles.
Don’t just insert your oviduct into his brood pouch, romance
him a little first.
Insist that the two of you listen to ‘Prairie Home
Companion’ together every week, as soon as he begins to enjoy it declare it
sucks and refuse to listen to it again.
Give him a space in your home that’s just his, help him get
it set up the way he likes it, and wait until his friends are over to check it
out to mention that ‘Man Cave’ sounds like a euphemism for ‘butthole.’
Criticize things he cannot change. Example: Couldn’t you
have been born blind?
Get jealous when he checks the time.
Blame him for the weather.
Burn his bridges.
Marry him, spend 25 years getting mad if he makes a decision
without checking with you first, then tell him his lack of decisiveness makes
it hard for you to respect him.
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