This week saw the announcement that a JRR Tolkien
biopic will soon go into production. The Tom Batten show is excited to share
with you now some excerpts from the screenplay.
PAGES 8-10
INT. Middle class home in
the English countryside – Day
A middle-aged housewife
responds to a knock at her door and discovers teenaged CS LEWIS and TOLKIEN
waiting. Tolkien holds up a walnut cracker as Lewis greets the woman of the
house.
LEWIS
Good afternoon. Allow me to introduce myself, CS
Lewis, and my associate, John Tolkien…
TOLKIEN
Good day, ma’am.
LEWIS
We’re offering our services cracking any tough nuts
you might have around the house today, madam. Walnuts, peanuts, cashews…
TOLKIEN
There ain’t a shell we can’t shuck, ma’am.
LEWIS
Our services come at an honest price and our…
HOUSEWIFE
No nuts here.
LEWIS
Well now, madam, not to presume, but I’m sure a
home as respectable as this must have a bowl of nuts somewhere within, what for
guests?
TOLKIEN
Wouldn’t want a guest cracking a tooth when seeking
a snack, would you ma’am?
HOUSEWIFE
You boys deaf? No nuts, I said. Now bugger off.
HUSBAND
(calling from within)
Who’s there?
HOUSEWIFE
(shouting back)
Couple of fools seeking a handout.
HUSBAND
Tell ‘em to fuck off.
HOUSEWIFE
I’m in the middle of doing so.
HUSBAND
Well have they?
LEWIS
(shouting past the housewife)
Just about to, sir!
TOLKIEN
Ma’am, I assure you, should you allow us the honor…
The housewife slams the
door in his face. Lewis and Tolkien turn and walk towards the next house.
TOLKIEN
You know, I think we were much closer that time.
LEWIS
Shit, John.
TOLKIEN
Don’t lose your spirit. Nothing is ever gained
without adversity.
LEWIS
Shit on that, too. I don’t know why I ever let you
talk me into this stupid door-to-door venture, when we both know…
TOLKIEN
…not this again…
LEWIS
The real money comes from novels! Writing! That’s
what we should be focusing on.
TOLKIEN
No one wants to read silly stories about elves and
fairies.
LEWIS
Maybe not yours. But me? I’ve got an angle.
TOLKIEN
What do you mean, an angle?
LEWIS
You ever notice how a church-going type will gladly
part with their last penny if they think doing so will glorify their Lord and
savior?
TOLKIEN
Yes, I suppose.
LEWIS
Well, what if I put all that church dross to work for
me? Write the sort of stories I like, then add in a little of the old father,
son, and holy ghost right at the end?
TOLKIEN
I dunno. I think people will see through that,
won’t they?
The boys walk up the steps
of the next house, Lewis prepares to knock.
LEWIS
Remember you said that when I’m sitting in my
throne, paying your mother to dance around in her knickers while I clap and
laugh.
Lewis knocks at the door.
PAGES 17-18
INT: Tolkien’s study –
Night.
TOLKIEN sits at his desk,
staring at his typewriter. He’s a mess, unshaved and bleary eyed. An ashtray
overflowing with cigarettes sits beside the typewriter. Edith, his wife, stands
before the desk, nearly in tears.
EDITH
You promised, John. They’ll all be expecting us.
TOLKIEN
Please, Edith. Go without me. With my blessing.
EDITH
And what am I to say, when everyone asks after you?
That you’re at home tearing at your hair, more interested in these fairy
stories…
TOLKIEN
My work is at an important stage, Edith. I’ve
explained this.
EDITH
Important stage?
Edith snatches the sheet
from the typewriter and throws it in his face.
EDITH
Blank, John. You haven’t written a word in weeks!
TOLKIEN
Edith…
EDITH
And don’t go on telling me youre blocked, or bloody
thinking, either. You sit up here all day and night while I go about our life
alone. We’re like two ghosts, John.
Edith looks at her hand,
studies the gold wedding band around her finger.
EDITH
Remember how we used to laugh? How we used to enjoy
one another’s company, before? Sometimes I feel like you stopped being able to
see me the day you slipped this ring on my finger…
John perks up…lets her
comment sink in. Slowly, he rises from his seat…
TOLKIEN
Edith…Edith, you wonderful…you genius, Edith! Oh,
that’s it!
Tolkien rushes around the
table and kisses her, then returns to his chair and slides a fresh page into
his typewriter.
EDITH
Oh, John! Well, I’m not sure what I did, but…
TOLKIEN
(typing frantically)
Weren’t you on your way out, then?
Pages 76 – 77
INT. PENTHOUSE – NIGHT
The RETURN OF THE KING
release party rages out of control. Utter debauchery. Guests snort cocaine off
silver trays carried by trained apes dressed in tiny tunics. Men and women
dance, fight, flirt, embrace…a carnival freak surrounded by onlookers jabs
metal hooks through his cheeks…someone releases dozens of butterflies from a
basket and a group of guests begin shooting them out of the air with pistols…
…at the center of all
this, Tolkien sits on the back of an enormous tortoise, which struggles to drag
itself along beneath him. Tolkien is dressed in a silk robe, which hangs open,
teasing his pale nude form beneath. He’s got a silver crown upon his head. A
voluptuous girl walks by and Tolkien grabs her, pulls her into his lap…
TOLKIEN
Ah, what have we here? Some common trollop?
GIRL
Hey, now…
Tolkien takes the crown
off his head and sets it on hers.
TOLKIEN
…or perhaps a queen in disguise?
GIRL
Ooh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
TOLKIEN
Just the ones I plan on bedding, your majesty.
They kiss. Edith enters,
sees this, and angrily rushes over. She pulls the girl off Tolkien’s lap and
slaps his face.
TOLKIEN
Oh, when I ask you for a little rough play you’re
all coquettish, but…
EDITH
Stop, John. Just stop. Look at yourself! Look at
all this! You…you’re an academic! A war hero! Is this, all of this, really how
you want to…is this the life you want, John? All this? Because if it is…well,
if this is the life you want you can live it without me.
Tolkien studies the floor,
appearing to consider her words. Slowly, he raises his head…
TOLKIEN
Edith. Edith, let me…can I ask you a question, my
dear sweet Edith?
EDITH
(hopeful)
Yes. Yes, of course…
TOLKIEN
Do you think this tortoise has had too much
cocaine?
Tolkien knocks his
tortoise with the heels of his boots, the tortoise’s head hangs limp,
unresponsive.
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