Nov 25: New Plagues

Sir—

First off, I’d like to thank you on behalf of everyone in this department for the opportunity to work on this project. We’ve been waiting for a challenge like this, and I think you’ll see our enthusiasm and excitement shine through in the ideas we have to share with you today. All of us understand the importance of these plagues, the place the original 10 have in both your career and in human history, and we are determined to live up to that standard.

21^st Century Plagues (proposed)

1^st PLAGUE: TOOTHPASTE TURNS TO BLOOD

We’re still not 100% settled on if it would turn to blood in the tube or once it hits the teeth, but either way this is an idea we’re very excited about. Nothing says ‘biblical plague’ like something unexpectedly turning to blood, and toothpaste is the last thing anyone would expect.

2^ND PLAGUE: WATER TURNS TO 5 HOUR ENERGY

I don’t know if you’ve had the horror of trying this particular concoction, but it is vile. In fact, I believe it might be a testament to the whole ‘free will’ thing you gave them that they created this stuff and actually consume it willingly. The only potential downside here is that some of them might actually prefer 5 hour energy to water…but we’re confident this won’t last for long. Should see a good deal of rioting due to the excess energy, at least until their hearts start exploding.

3^RD PLAGUE: HALF THE POPULATION COMPULSIVELY EXPLAINS HOW COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG WORKS

This one is a real oddball, obviously…and I think that’s what I like about it. I don’t know if you’ve ever been forced to sit and listen while someone explains cockney rhyming slang, but hit them with this for a couple days and I guarantee they’ll start wondering what they did to piss you off and what they have to do to set things right.

4^TH PLAGUE: SPIDER WEBS SMELL LIKE PEPPERMINT

I suppose this is another oddball, and maybe doesn’t sound too bad right off the bat, but think about how oppressive the smell of peppermint would become if every spider web reeked of it, especially considering the types of places one typically encounters a lot of spider webs. A dank, enclosed basement, a musty attic. That sickly sweet smell might lure them in at first, but it wont be long before it’s making them sick. Oh, also, we project that spider bites will go up 75% until people figure out to avoid the smell, which isn’t too shabby.

5^TH PLAGUE: TURTLES FALL FROM THE SKY

The frog bit from last time is a classic, and while there is certainly no topping it, I think we’ve come up with a fun twist. Raining turtles will be equally scary and gross, with the added bonus of all the damage those shells will do as they collide with windshield/skulls/what have you.

6^TH PLAGUE: INSECTS CONSTANTLY URINATING

By our estimates it would only take 2 hours before the smell became overwhelming and 36 hours for people to figure out where the smell was coming from.

7^TH PLAGUE: PEOPLE TURN BLUE WHEN SEXUALLY AROUSED

We’re thinking bright blue, maybe with a sort of aura.

8^TH PLAGUE: ALL TEXT MESSAGES AND EMAILS ARE DELIVERED IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS

This one is subtle. People are conditioned to read capital letters as yelling, and our theory is that even if they are able to adjust to the idea that all their messages are going to be all-caps, they’ll still slowly become more and more agitated throughout the day until they inevitably explode.

9^TH PLAGUE: PETER GABRIEL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUND OF EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME

There’s no music more annoying than that of Peter Gabriel. Our first thought was to have it blaring, but we’ve revised to have it playing faintly, so faintly that you can only just make it out, but non-stop and everywhere. At first people will drive themselves mad looking for the source, and once they realize the source is your wrath we expect they’ll do anything to make the torture stop.

10^TH PLAGUE: NOTHING

This is the idea that I myself am most excited about—after hitting them with the first nine, just stop. They’ll be expecting 10, since that’s what you did last time, so they’ll be crazily on edge waiting for whatever comes next, and the longer you make them wait, the crazier they’ll become. The longer they have to wait the more freaked out they’ll be, thinking it’s going to be really, really bad…and then maybe they’ll start wondering if the plague has already arrived, if maybe it’s so subtle they just didn’t pick up on it. They won’t be able to trust anything or anyone; they’ll be too busy looking for signs of divine wrath in literally every aspect of their lives.

I hope these proposed plagues are to your liking, as I said above we are all very excited about this project. We’ve attempted to stay true to the plagues of old while putting a modern spin on things…appealing to modern interests and playing with the very idea of what a ‘plague’ could be. I look forward to your feedback and to working with you more as this project moves forward.