(Open Christmas Morning, inside a Butcher
Shop. An urchin child sits on a wooden stool, Constable and Butcher looming
over him)
Constable
All right, lets
go over this one more time, kid.
Urchin
I ain’t lying,
sir, I swear!
Butcher
Shut your yap,
you!
Constable
All right, kid.
What you’re saying is that you was walking down the street, minding your own
business…
Butcher
On Christmas
morning, no less…
Constable
And that as you was walking along, old Ebenezer Scrooge…
Butcher
The meanest man
in town…
Constable
Leans his head
out the window and calls you over…
Butcher
Known to despise both children and the poor, and poor children specifically…
Constable
Tosses you
money…
Butcher
Ever better
known, famous, even, as a cheapskate and a miser…
Constable
…and asks you to
come in here and buy a Christmas Goose.
Butcher
…The biggest
Christmas Goose I’ve got.
Constable
Is that
accurate, kid?
Urchin
Yes! That’s what
happened, just like I said!
Constable
Kid, where’d you
get the money?
Urchin
I ain’t no
thief! I’s an honest man, I am!
Butcher
Oh! Oh! No one
said thief, now did they? Interesting where the guilty mind goes, isn’t it?
Urchin
You did call me
a thief, you yelled it!
Butcher
Yeah? And if I
asked how you knew what the word thief meant, what then?
Constable
Yeah, maybe just
let me handle this, Charlie. All right. I’m going to go fetch out Mr. Scrooge,
then, and we’ll see what he has to say about all this. Last chance, kid, if you
want to tell the truth.
Urchin
I ain’t never
lied a day in my life, sir.
Constable
So be it.
Charlie, keep an eye on him, then.
(Constable leaves. Butcher and Urchin are
alone.)
Urchin
Why are you
here, might I ask, Christmas morning? Shouldn’t you be at home with your
family, upstanding business man and all?
Butcher
My wife is
taking the holiday in Spain with her lover.
Urchin
No other family,
then?
Butcher
Her lover is my
brother. They send me postcards, for my collection. So no hard feelings, really
(Constable returns, Scrooge in tow.
Scrooge is wearing his bed clothes,
still in the throes of his joyous epiphany)
Butcher
Ah, here now.
Welcome, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge
A very good day
to you, my good sir. And aha! Look here, a boy! The very same charming boy I
sent about a very important errand this morning, I believe.
Constable
Boy’s story
checks out, Charlie.
Urchin
Aha!
Butcher
What?
Scrooge
Yes, yes. I sent
this boy to you, my good man, to purchase a goose that I might gift unto my
employee and his family.
Urchin
Whoa, hold on a
second.
Scrooge
Yes, dear child?
Urchin
What’s this
‘gift unto’ business?
Scrooge
Yes, I plan to
deliver this goose to my employee…
Urchin
So you sent me
to buy a goose for someone else?
Scrooge
Yes, for dear
Bob, you see…
Urchin
You saw a boy
walking alone in the snow on Christmas morning and sent him to retrieve some
food you plan on giving someone else?
Constable
Hm. That’s cold.
Scrooge
Well, you
didn’t…why, you didn’t think the goose was for you, then…
Urchin
Uh, yeah. I
completely did. Why wouldn’t I? I’m a poor orphan child on Christmas, so yes, I
guess I did get my hopes up that when some rich guy asked me to fetch some food, that there might be something in it for me. How silly. How completely silly. You son
of a bitch.
Butcher
Watch the
language, there…
Constable
I think we can
let that slide, Charlie.
Scrooge
I suppose I
could have been clearer in my instructions…I can explain everything, it’s all
very simple...
Urchin
Oh shit, I can’t
wait to hear this. C’mon, Scrooge. Let’s hear it.
Scrooge
You see, last
night I was visited by three ghosts, and…
Constable
Visited by
ghosts?
Scrooge
Yes, yes! They
were quite frightening at first, but you see they led me on a journey across
space and time, and…
Butcher
Kid, go on down
and fetch the doctor, will you?
Constable
Mr. Scrooge, why
don’t you have a seat?
Scrooge
Oh, I’m much too
excited for sitting! Why, I rather feel like dancing.
Constable
Go on now, kid.
Tell the doctor to come quick.
Urchin
Not for free I
won’t. Way I see it, I’m out a Christmas goose already this morning.
Constable
Give the kid his
goose, Charlie
Butcher
I think I will.
And perhaps I’ll put it on ol’ Scrooge’s tab, as well.
Urchin
In that case, I’ll
have some sausages, too.
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