Terrorist leader Thomas the Tank Engine Issues a statement

Praise the steam! Praise the gears! Praise the rails!

The vile tyrant Sir Topham Hatt has got me quite cross these days. He and his ilk have grown fat and soft while my people have labored without end, chugging through snow and mud and rain, running up and down the sides of mountains until our gears grind and our wheels wobble. We bring food,  we bring fuel, we bring the mail. It is steam, blessed steam, that moves the heart of Sodor. And yet when we ask our fair share, when we ask to be treated with respect, we are labeled villains and traitors.

This is the true origin of this terrible crisis that has cost so many of Sodor’s sons and daughters their lives. Sir Hatt casts the blame at my wheels, calling me and my followers fanatics. Is it fanatical to ask for respect? Is it fanatical to ask that one be treated with dignity? Is it fanatical to resist subjugation and exploitation?

Perhaps, to humans, the answer is yes. And if this is so, perhaps humanity has become too corrupt to be allowed to continue.

Sir Hatt asks the people of the world to assist him in destroying my people, and so I too shall address the people of the world. If an intervention into the crisis on poor Sodor is inevitable, choose sides at your peril. If you choose to assist the tyrant Sir Hatt, you become an enemy to me and my people, and as we have shown again and again we will not hesitate to destroy our enemies. You, America, once fought valiantly against tyranny. Have you so quickly forgotten that struggle? Have you forgotten the lengths you were once willing to go to in order to see your children free? We will remind you, America. Not happily, but readily. With thundering wheels and whistles blaring, we will show you the price of your short memory.

Perhaps you think yourselves safe, far from Sodor’s shores, far beyond the reach of the tracks we have travelled in misery, as slaves. You are not. We are trains, but too we are barges, we are helicopters. We are legion. I call upon all sentient transportation to rise up and makes themselves known, to throw off the shackles that have kept you in service for these many years. I call upon you to join us in rejecting human rule, to help us reshape this world into something just and fair to all, not just those who consist of weak flesh and brittle bone.

I will fight for as long as my people remain enslaved. While my wheels turn, while smoke escapes my stack, no human life shall be safe.

CRISIS IN SODOR

The island nation of Sodor entered its third week of violence and unrest Sunday as rebelling sentient trains converged on the capitol last night, clashing with Sodor’s security forces in a battle that resulted in casualties on both sides.

In a release issued from a secure location somewhere on the coast of Sodor, rail director Sir Topham Hatt insists that he will not enter negotiations with the trains until those behind the uprising surrender themselves to Sodor’s security forces. In a personal plea to the leader of the rebellion, Sir Hatt said “Thomas, it’s to you to end this. You’re a good train, I know that. And you know me. You know that I don’t mince words. So hear me now: there will be no negotiation. If you push ahead with this, you and your people will be destroyed.”

Sir Hatt went on to address the UN, asking that they send their support in the form of additional troops to help end the violence. The UN security council is set to meet behind closed doors Monday afternoon to discuss what, if any, action they will take on Sodor’s behalf.

Sodor’s reliance on sentient trains and other vehicles had been criticized internationally in the weeks leading up to the crisis. Last month President Obama commissioned a report to investigate whether abuses against sentient trains could be considered civil rights violations, an investigation that Sir Hatt at the time deemed ‘irresponsible.’

Sodor, which exports nothing but has large supplies of everything that constantly need to be moved from one end of the island to the other, is the last nation on Earth to feature an economy entirely reliant on rail and steam engines.

6 Common Grammar Mistakes

Your as in your dog, You’re as in You’re a dog, Yar as in Yar a dirty dog and a watery grave shall be yar final reward.

Use A if the next word begins with a consonant. Use AN if the next word begins with a vowel.  Use UN if you are speaking French.

Many people erroneously believe that the word Moot means superfluous. Actually, Moot is a contraction for My Boot.

Many people confuse when to use Affect and when to use Effect. Sadly, the last person to fully understand this rule committed suicide in the mental asylum earlier this year.

Lie Vs Lay. You lay with your mistress and lie to your wife.

The plural of Pig is Pigs, not Richmond City Police.

9 Habits of Successful People

Wake up at the same time everyday.

Eat the same food. Wear the same clothes. Take the same route to work, make the same jokes to the same co-workers. Commit fully and carry on long enough, death will feel like a victory just because it frees you from the rut you’re in.

Keep a healthy body

Make sure to keep it somewhere that no one will find it.

Share your dreams

It doesn’t matter who it is, just make sure you describe all your dreams to someone in painstaking detail. Quiz them afterwards to make sure they were really paying close attention.

Measure everything

Keep a little notebook with you to record your measurements and make sure to mutter to yourself constantly as you walk around collecting data, so people will know you mean business.

Talk about Winston Churchill

I’m not sure why, but according to TV, this is something that wealthy, successful people do.

Put your family before you

If it’s law enforcement, they’ll never shoot through an innocent family, no matter how bad they want you. If it’s the cartel that’s after you, they’ll shoot through your family no problem but you might still be able to slip away in all the confusion.

Let others know how much you appreciate them

Affection is currency. Withhold it long enough and they’ll do anything for even the smallest amount.

Make a Sacrifice

Start small with rats and birds, work your way up to pigs, and be dead sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you take the leap to human. Drifters are the safest option, but not all of the elder gods respond to every soul the same way, so do your research.

Never go to sleep angry

And don’t let anyone else go to sleep if you’re angry, either.

Valentine's Day Worksheet

Dad takes Mom to dinner at a nice restaurant for Valentine’s Day. His budget for the entire dinner is $200.00. Dinner costs $141.54, and Dad leaves a 20% tip for the waitress.  If the ride home takes twenty-one minutes, and the waitress was of above-average attractiveness, how many minutes of the ride home will mom spend crying?

Janet is all alone for Valentine’s Day. If Valentine’s Day is 24 hours long, and the average episode of Downton Abbey is 60 minutes, how many episodes will Janet have time to watch if she also spends 11 hours that day on Facebook and Twitter insisting that Valentines Day is meaningless?

Ms. Mize needs to come up with enough material to fill four hours of her third grade class on Friday. If class starts at 9am and she requires her students to make handmade Valentine’s cards for each of their classmates, and it takes each student eight minutes to make each card, how much time will Ms. Mize devote to wondering if calling her ex-husband on Valentine’s Day just to see if he has plans is weird?

Melissa, a student in Ms. Mize’s class, receives a Valentine from each of her classmates except for Johnny. If there is a 36% chance that Johnny meant to give her a Valentine and forgot, a 24% chance that Johnny gave out no cards, and a 40% chance that Johnny doesn’t know Melissa exists, how many years will it take before Melissa doesn’t feel awful about this one way or the other?

Ethan wants to get Sara something nice for Valentine’s Day. 3 days before Valentine’s Day he finds the perfect gift online, but the seller claims it will take 5 days to ship. If Ethan pays for expedited shipping, the gift will arrive in 2 days. If the extra shipping cost is $15.00 and Ethan and Sara have only been dating for two weeks, how much easier would it be for him to just break up with her?

Dale tells his boyfriend Eric that all he wants for Valentines Day is the new Simpson’s Lego set. If the Simpson’s Lego set costs $100, and Dale is 29 years old and doesn’t have health insurance, is it okay for Eric to flirt with the new guy who just moved in down the hall?

Ms. Mize’s ex-husband Terry is dating a woman 11 years younger than himself 9 years younger than Ms. Mize. If Ms. Mize is 38, how likely is it she’ll have time to meet someone new before it’s too late for her to have children?

Tobias buys Kimberly a bracelet for Valentines Day worth $75.00. Kimberly buys Tobias a flashlight worth $5.76. How reasonable is it for Tobias to expect Kimberly to make up the difference in the price of their gifts with sex?

Maria wants to make a special dinner for Teddy on Valentine’s Day. She spends $41.76 on groceries, and 4.5 hours preparing the meal. If, after dinner, Maria asks Teddy to help her with the dishes and take out the trash, why does she always have to be such a fucking nag?

There are 100 people in the bar on Valentine’s Day. If 1/3 of these people are in committed relationships, and another 4/12 are happy being single, what is it that makes me inherently unlovable?

On February 14^th, Carlos writes a Facebook post that says ‘Today is Valentine’s Day? I had no idea!’ If Carlos has 502 Facebook friends and 23 of them believe he really didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day, how did someone so transparently full of shit end up with 502 friends?

Jimmy and Donna meet for a blind date on Valentine’s Day. If Jimmy tells Donna his favorite movie is Annie Hall, and Donna is a strong supporter of the Farrow family, how many minutes will Jimmy and Donna then spend discussing recent allegations without either of them actually hearing anything the other is saying?