Hey, it's been great not talking to you

Hey, it’s been great not talking to you. Just so, so great. You absence has really meant the world to me, I mean it. I’ve had so much time for pursuing other interests. For example, I’ve been staring out windows a lot. Not really seeing anything out the window, just staring. Kind of in a haze. Sometime I’ll stare out a window and lose time, like a couple of minutes. That’s definitely a new thing, and not a thing I ever had time for when you were around. Back then I was too busy imagining what the future would be, what our lives would be like.

Oh, and I’ve gotten into meditating, a little. This technique I read about, you close your eyes and picture this door. Behind this door, that’s where all your negativity and anger hangs out, all the bad shit. So, you imagine going through the door. When I do it, I see and endless gray ocean under a lifeless slate sky. Off in the distance there are these sharks, and the sharks are completely freaking out, this wild violent frenzy. But the sharks are blind, and also someone’s yanked all their teeth out, so it’s this impotent rage, you know? Just thrashing and bashing and accomplishing nothing. Oh, and there are seagulls circling, but instead of caw-ing like normal they shout out different things people have said over the years that hurt my feelings or pissed me off.

So, you take that in for a second, then you imagine shutting that door and turning around and facing this other door, and behind that door is all your happiness. Positivity, love, all that. When I go through that door, I’m standing on a beautiful beach under  a bright blue sky. The sand is warm under my feet, I can feel my skin soaking in sunlight, energizing me. The water looks fresh and clear, and there are waves that are just the right size for splashing around. Actually there are some people in the water, splashing around, having a great time, and when I look closer it’s everyone I ever loved, and they’re beckoning for me to come down and join them.

Then you’re supposed to close that door, which is a bummer. Next, this is the tricky part, you’re supposed to imagine combining these two worlds. Push them together until they overlap, and enter that world. According to the reading, this whole thing is supposed to result in more harmonious living, where everything is balanced. But it’s tricky, for real. Like, every time I try to combine the two worlds I end up with this situation where the sharks are attacking the swimmers, but since the sharks don’t have teeth they just start mating with everyone. And then there are all these human-shark hybrid babies flopping around on the beach, and unlike their shark parents they do have teeth, and I’m standing there and I have to decide, what am I going to do with these creatures? Should I start killing them? Should I be saving them? How do you save a human-shark baby? Who do you call in a situation like this? 911? The Coast Guard?

It ends up being pretty stressful, sometimes, but I feel like if I keep at it I’ll get it right. So anyway, yeah. That’s what I’ve been up to. And again, it’s all due to not talking to you, so thanks. Thanks so much. Thanks so, so fucking much.