DONATE TO THE TOM BATTEN FOUNDATION TODAY

Interested in helping a child reach their full potential? At the Tom Batten Foundation, we are too. Nice to meet you.

We believe that every child—every child—has the makings of a hero, and that with some coaxing that hero will emerge. Founded in 2013, the Tom Batten Foundation has already touched hundreds of lives. We’ve gone out into the community and made a difference. What have you done? Waited in line for an X-Box?  You piece of shit. Have another Red Bull, you son of a bitch. There are children starving and you’re drinking candy so you can stay up late playing Halo.

It’s not too late to redeem yourself. Consider making a cash donation to The Tom Batten Foundation today. Know that your money will go towards making real change in the community. Or don’t donate, and throw money away on stupid garbage like Pacific Rim on Blu-Ray. Yeah, you’ll be watching that in six months. Tyler, a sixteen year old boy who lives literally three blocks from your apartment, is dying of scurvy while you’re watching Pacific Rim, a movie that was largely very boring.

While donations to The Tom Batten Foundation are not tax deductible, doing so just might alleviate some of the guilt you almost certainly feel for being such a selfish monster. Or maybe you don’t even feel guilty. Maybe that’s how far gone you are. God, that’s scary. It’s like you’ve lost your soul. If we didn’t rely on donations so much I’d recommend you just kill yourself immediately before your life got any more meaningless. But we really do need the money. So maybe try donating and see if you’re still capable of feeling anything approaching human emotion at all.

Your donations fund programs like:

The Look at a Boat Program

 At-risk youth are invited to stand on a dock and look at the beautiful Tom Batten Foundation yacht. This program is designed to teach children about looking but not touching, and also about dock safety.

Self-Defense Exhibition

Children enrolled in this program are lowered into a drained swimming pool and pitted against one another in unarmed combat, while Omega level ($2,000-plus) donors stand above and watch. Teaches children important lessons.

Dexterity Now!

Our newest program teaches children the importance of keeping your mind and your fingers nimble. After an extensive 3-hour training course, children are left on a busy city street and told that the only way they’ll be allowed to see their families again is if they can afford to purchase the honor. The price? Ten wallets. 

The Tom Batten Foundation is doing its part, but we can’t do it alone. Please donate now. We know who you are, we know where you spend your time. We have access to your e-mail. That new woman at work, Sasha? Who smiled at you? She’s with us. We can make things very uncomfortable for you, if we have to. Donate now. The children are waiting.