PROS AND CONS OF BEING THE HUMAN MEMBER OF A PACK OF WILD DOGS

If you’d told me a year ago that today I’d be living in an old storm drain, the sole human member of a pack of wild stray dogs? I’d have been like, ‘no way, buddy.’ If you told me today that I am the sole human member of pack of wild stray dogs? I’d be like, ‘yes, obviously. Now run, because some of these guys really do not like humans coming around, and the way they respond to not liking something is usually by trying like hell to kill it.’

Joining up with this dog pack has been really rewarding in so many ways, maybe it’s pointless or uncool to focus on the couple of things about it that suck a little. But the editors asked me for both sides of the story, and if there’s one thing being a member of a pack of wild stray dogs has taught me, it’s that when whoever is in charge makes their desires clear, you better deliver and fast if you don’t want to get bit in the face.

PRO: Clear power structure

The alpha is the leader, everyone else obeys of faces a vicious biting. You never wake up wondering what you’re doing that day, you wake up and the alpha makes it clear. Sounds a little oppressive, maybe, but once you’re a week in it becomes routine and really is kind of liberating.

CON: Not being the alpha

Maybe I was being a little presumptuous to assume that, as a human, I’d quickly be granted alpha status. I mean, I know it was, now. These dogs really do not trust most humans. I had to keep running up to the grocery store and coming back with hams for everyone to share just to get them to admit me into the pack, and even then I’d end up with as many bites as the ham got.

Our alpha is a Mastiff, I call him Hugo. He’s got a collar with a tag on it around his neck that presumably has his real name written on it, but the closest I’ve been to it has been when he’s biting me and getting savagely bitten doesn’t lend itself well to careful observation.

I’m not giving up on making alpha, though. Oh no I am not. My mistake at first was assuming they’d want a human master, now I know I have to earn my rightful rank by dog standards. It’s tough, because a lot of what these guys respect is tough for a human—hunting, fighting with teeth alone, that kind of stuff. But I’ll figure it out.

PRO: Less ambiguity in relationships

When one member of the pack takes a liking to another, they come up and start sniffing. If they get ignored, they move on; if they get sniffed back, a little playful biting ensues to establish dominance—the equivalent of human flirting—and that leads directly to consummation. Simple, direct. Let me make it clear that I haven’t entered into a romantic relationship with any of these dogs, I’ve just observed. I’m not a sicko. This Irish Setter, Penelope, tried to sniff around me a little when she was new to the pack and to tell you the truth she was a little more aggressive that I would have liked but it didn’t get too out of hand.

CON: Harder to meet human women

I really thought observing this direct approach amongst the pack would give me an edge with human women—be direct about what you want, don’t be afraid to go for it, don’t linger if it isn’t happening—but when I tried to put it into practice I flopped hard. Part of this is maybe that living with the pack has left me a bit bedraggled, to say the least, so my options are limited to women I find outside. I can’t exactly get into a nightclub with all these bites on my face. What am I going to say to the doorman, ‘my alpha got mad I made eye contact with him and bit my face, no worries it’s cool?’

I tried approaching some women at an outdoor café last week. A year ago, pre-pack, I would have tried some lame line on them. A pick-up line I saw in a book, or a movie. One time at a party I was standing across the room from this woman all night, finally I went over to her and said, “If you’re going to make me wait all night for you to come say hello, can you at least stand a little to the left so we can stop locking eyes? It’s distracting.’ She loved it. Loved it. And then I felt bad, sorta, that she loved it. Like, she loved that? What’s wrong with her?

So last week I see these two women sitting outside and I stroll up and say to one of them and say, ‘Excuse me, ma’am, but I couldn’t help but notice you sitting there and when I noticed you I couldn’t stop staring and the more I stared the more I couldn’t stop thinking that mating with you might be really, really gratifying because you have all the qualities I look for in a mate and something about the way you hold your head makes me think you might be really, really good at it.’

Now, maybe it’s because I look like someone that’s been sleeping in a pile of wild dogs in a gully for the last 3 weeks, or maybe I came on too strong, but she didn’t like it. Not one bit. She didn’t ignore me, though! Nope, she straight up attacked me, instead. Started throwing things, her cup, her plate. It was humiliating, even more so because the pack was all around me watching this go down. They really seemed embarrassed for me. That night, back at the storm drain, Hugo barely bit me at all when I tried to edge into the sleep pile. He just kind of nipped me. In a way I was like, I don’t need your pity. But in another way I was like, showing pity is weakness, Hugo…and no one weak lasts as alpha long.