ABC's of 24

Longtime fans are anxiously awaiting a fresh Jack-Attack tomorrow night with the return of 24 on Fox, while the uninitiated might feel a little baffled by all the hype. Whatever camp you belong to, this handy guide should help prime the pump for what promises to be a most labyrinthine season.

A is for Arson. Jack Bauer, star of 24, has a particular hatred of arsonists due to the fact that his step-mother was murdered leaving a screening a Backdraft in 1991.

B is for Bollywood. At the end of season 6, Jack found himself stranded in India, where he found work for a time designing sets for the movies.

C is for Catnip. Jack’s tech-savy sidekick Chloe once performed in avant-garde dental hygiene instructional films under the stage name ‘Catnip.’

D is for Dumb and Dumber. In Season 4, President Falcon is watching Dumb and Dumber on Cinemax when he finds out that bees have swarmed the White House.

E is for Egalitarian.  Season three introduced Dennis Hopper as terrifying villain ‘The Egalitarian,’ who sought to blind the entire world (using radio waves) in hopes that a sightless society would be a society without racial division.

F is for France. Early in season 1 it’s established that France does not exist in the world of 24. This created confusion in season 2 when Wallace refers to his Roast Beef sandwich as a French Dip. Attempting to explain this discrepancy lead to the introduction of Ken Marino as fan favorite character Franklin French, Minister of Meats.

G is for Goulden’s Mustard, the only mustard Franklin French approves (due to a multi-million dollar sponsorship deal between Fox and the Goulden’s syndicate.

H is for Handsome Boy Modeling School. In season 8, Jack is in Tower Records looking for the latest release from this group when a race war erupts.

I is for Inchworm. Following his conversion to Buddhism in season 5, Jack’s declaration that all life is sacred is tested when he finds an inchworm in his hair.

J is for Justified, a massively superior show to 24.

K is for Kitaro. Oakley the Counter-Terrorism Task Force Pony sports a saddle decorated with images of this popular Japanese recording artist.

L is for Love. Jack Bauer ran through roughly a dozen love interests over the course of the show’s first 8 seasons, but his lingering devotion to his dead stepmother prevents him from ever really committing to anyone.

M is for Meatballs III: Summer Job. The synopsis of this film (and I’m not making this up, go to Wikipedia and check) goes: When porn star Roxy Doujor is denied entrance into the afterlife, she is given one last chance to help some poor soul on Earth. She finds Rudy Gerner, (whose character was the center of the original film as an adolescent) working at a summer river resort. Roxy is given the task of helping Rudy lose his virginity in order to be allowed into the afterlife.

N is for Needful Things. 24 producers Elliot Burger and Mojo Sexwood are huge fans of Stephen King’s 1991 horror novel, so much so that in the season 2 episode that saw Jack visit the Library of Congress they purchased over 100,000 copies to stock the shelves with.

O is for Oakley the Counter-Terrorism Pony. Ebenezer Hotfoot, The pony who played Oakley, committed suicide in 2009.

P is for Pain. When you think of pain, you probably think of something physical. Let me tell you, though, that the worst kind of pain is to have loved and lost, no matter how the saying goes.

Q is for Quiet. The hardest thing to get used to, since Mavis left, has been the quiet. The house just seems empty without the hum of her sewing machine or the buzz of her nebulizer. We used to watch 24 together, when we first started dating. I wonder if Gary likes 24? I wonder if she’ll watch it with him, now? Probably not. Gary’s probably into, I don’t know, watching professional poker tournaments on TV, something like that.

R is for Rancid, the Berkley-based punk rock band behind 24’s classic theme song, ‘Spirit of ’87.’

S is for steak, the only food Jack Bauer eats. Preferably raw.

T is for Tangerine Dream, the German electronic music group Christopher Franke was involved with before snagging the role of Chancellor Massey in season’s 4-7.

U is for Urinary Tract Inspection, the name of the ska band Jack Bauer fronted before becoming a spy.

V is for Vulnerable. Jack Bauer is a tough guy in a classic mold—capable, unflappable, determined to achieve success at any cost. His one vulnerability? He was born with a GI tract and can’t survive long with being hooked up to the complicated machinery he relies on to stay alive.

W is for Wax. In 2005, Fox released a line of 24-themed candles.

X is for X. Every season of 24 ends with Jack relaxing by tripping balls in a hot tub, usually with a celebrity guest star (Sally Kellerman, Bob Newhart, Monica Lewinski, Richard Lewis, etc) to keep him company.

Y is for Yards Across America, a charity organization started by producer Mojo Sexwood to promote green grass and hedges from coast to coast.

Z is for Zero’s Subs. In season 2, Wallace pledges to eat one Zero’s submarine sandwich every hour for a full 24 hour to in honor of his recently murdered grandmother, but falls short when he fails to plan ahead and Zero’s closes at 9pm on weekdays.