YOU LIKE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM?

Can you even hear yourself right now? Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Kyle drives a Lexus. Kyle has some big-shot job at an advertising firm. Kyle’s taking you to Rome this summer. Kyle’s so great, so wonderful, so generous. You know what? You like your new boyfriend so much, why don’t you just go right ahead and marry him? Marry him. The two of you can get married and move in together, have a big fenced in lawn and a bunch of kids. Be my guest.

I bet this Kyle has health insurance, doesn’t he? Yeah, he seems like the type. Just going to the doctor whenever he wants. Oh, Doc, I have a pain in my chest! Oh, Doc, I hurt my toe playing polo! I could have health insurance too if I had a full time job, you know. I made a choice. You used to respect that. But let me guess, Kyle has you wanting to go to the dentist, right? Of course he does. I bet he even told you you should get your glasses prescription updated so you won’t have so much trouble driving at night. Of course he did. And you just went for it. Just fell right in. God. You used to have such verve, you know that? And then what, some stable dude with a gym body and a clean record comes along and you melt like butter? It’s ridiculous. Yeah, go ahead. Marry him.

You guys can go to the outlets on the weekend and buy all kinds of little knives and spoons, a whole set of fancy silverware for entertaining guests. Won’t that be nice? You’ll have a big TV, and Friday nights you can cuddle up and watch classic movies together. And then in the morning you’ll, what, read the paper in bed and discuss the issues of the day? Oh, that sounds like fun. That sounds like a real blast. You’ll need that health insurance, living an exciting life on the edge like that.

What happened to you, Laurie? I don’t get it. I just don’t understand this at all. What happened to the girl who used to patiently watch me chug Bud Ice out of an old boot? What happened to the girl who used to let me fondle her in the movie theater, who’d serve as lookout when I tagged billboards, who lied on the stand to bail me out when I stabbed my dad? Suddenly it’s like all those good times never even happened. I mean, look at your legs, you’re using Band-Aids now?

Kyle. What a dumb name. Nerd name. I bet he makes eye contact when you have sex, doesn’t he? Yeah, he does. Name like Kyle, he must. I bet he makes eye contact and stops time to time to see if you’re comfortable. I bet he tips waitresses, doesn’t he? God, he does. Wow.

Sounds like you’ve really bagged a winner, Laurie. Good for you. Good for you. But let me make this clear, don’t come crawling back to me when you get sick and tired of him checking the batteries in your smoke detectors. Don’t call me to complain when he brings home take-out so you can relax and not worry about getting dinner ready. He wants to rub your feet at the end of the day? You’re just going to have to deal with that shit on your own, because you are making a choice right now, Laurie. A choice you are going to have to—Laurie? Laurie? Did you—can you hear me? Laurie? I think the reception’s bad. Hey, call me back. Call me back if you can still hear me. I got a few more things to get out of my system.