MEET THE TWINS

Hello everyone! Marissa and I want to thank you all so much for the support you’ve given and all the excitement you’ve shown at the birth of our twins, Zest Flagon Caldwell and Birch Nottingham Caldwell! A lot of you have expressed interest in meeting them, and Marissa and I couldn’t be more excited to introduce them to all our wonderful friends!

Now, we hate to be those parents who are all precious about their children, but Marissa and I wanted to share a couple of things with everyone before they come by and see the twins for the first time. We don’t want our little angel’s to get overwhelmed, so we ask that everyone make an appointment before dropping by. Attached to this message you’ll find a sign-up sheet, appointments are in 15 minute increments. If there isn’t a time on the sign-up sheet that suits you, please let Marissa or I know and we’ll try and add a wider array of times to the next sign-up sheet we send around. We ask that you be on time (looking at you, Greg, LOL) and if you find that you’ll be more than a couple minutes late, please try to reschedule. We’re trying to keep the twins to a strict routine, and you parents out there don’t need me to tell you how easily the smallest disruption can throw off an entire day.

Please try and be at least 10 minutes early to your appointment with the twins, as this will give you enough time to disinfect and change clothes. We’ve set a sanitizing gel dispenser outside our front door, and on the bench beside that you’ll find a crate of shrink wrapped gender-neutral frocks, surgical masks and hairnets that we ask you to change into after rubbing down with the gel. I know it’s a little kooky, but it’s important to us that we limit the twin’s exposure to germs until they’re a little older and better able to fight off any nasty bugs Mother Nature might toss their way; we’re also committed to raising the girls as free from the restraints of societally imposed gender roles as possible. I know that’s a tall order, but Marissa and I agree that seeing a child (or anyone, really…thinking of you again, Greg LOLOL) struggle with what’s expected of them because of their birth gender is just so heartbreaking, and we want to spare Zest and Birch that trouble if we can. It’s not going to be easy, but keeping everyone they come into contact with gender neutral for the time being is how we’ve decided to start, and I’m not asking you to do anything Marissa and I don’t keep to ourselves. The frocks are burlap, so you might want to bring along some long underwear or something (freshly laundered and disinfected) to wear underneath to prevent chaffing. 

Trust me when I say it’s no fun getting up every 30 minutes all night long to check in on them but having to slip into a frock, mask, and hairnet first. I guess this is what they’re talking about when they say being a parent means making a lot of sacrifices!

After you’ve changed, you are free to enter our home. Come on in! You’ll notice two things right away: the extreme darkness and the blaring music. Don’t freak out! We’ve decided to raise the twins in complete darkness for at least the first six months so as not to overwhelm them with visual stimulus based on Marissa and my tastes when it’s so important for them to develop their own identities.  You’re asking, what about the music, then? Isn’t that imposing your tastes on the twins? Nope! The music we play at the house is a mix that Marissa and I worked super hard on, carefully balanced to include everything from pop to Celtic chants to aboriginal klezmer boogie and back again. No style or genre is favored, it’s a true sampling of all the world has to offer with absolutely no point of view.

You might also be asking, why do I have to wear this gender neutral frock, mask, and hairnet if the entire house is blacked out? Well, that’s because we can’t be sure that the twin’s won’t develop super sensitive night vision in response to the total darkness they exist within. We’ve consulted with a couple specialists on this, and while their responses have been varied, it seems to us that we’d rather be safe than sorry.

Once you enter the house you’ll find a rope attached to the left side of the entryway, take ahold of this and follow it down the hall to the twin’s room. When you reach the end of the rope, directly below where it ends you’ll find a basket containing infrared goggles. You’ll be able to view the twins through these. Please, please do not step inside their room, though, as we don’t want them to feel as though their space is being invaded. Trust me when I say you won’t have any problems catching how bright these two shine from the doorway. It’s going to be tough to keep completely silent when you see these two, but again I have to ask that you do, as making sure the only sound they are exposed to is the music is a real priority.

I know this sounds like a lot of crazy instructions, sorry. Marissa and I will be monitoring your entire visit from the command center in the basement, though, and if it looks like you forget something or whatever one of us will be right up to set you straight, so no pressure.

What else…oh! A lot of you might be interested in bringing presents! While we super appreciate the thought, Marissa and I ask that instead of physical gifts you weave a dream catcher (instructions for this also attached to this message) and donate it to a local library.

Okay, sorry for the long message. I’m just so scattered these days! Looking forward to seeing you all (sure, via security camera from my command center, but nonetheless) soon!

Thanks,

Scott and Marissa