I don’t have time to
exercise!!
This is actually
more of a misconception about YOU!!!!
Crossfit believes that everyone has time to exercise, and that exercise is
everywhere. That manhole cover you pass on your sprint to work? Heft it over
your head! Instead of walking down to the Xerox machine every time you need to
make a copy, work your core by dragging the machine back to your office!
Crossfit gives you the skills you need to carve the body you want out of the
life you have.
Crossfit is too expensive!!
Sure, Crossfit
is a little pricier than your typical YMCA. But think about what you’re
getting—a close-knit community of fellow Adepts. If you’re looking for some old
guys to form a book club with, hit the YMCA and enjoy the savings. If you want
that next level, if you want to surround yourself with taut, slightly sweaty,
super enthusiastic friends with whom (at the upper levels) you’ll be able to
communicate telepathically, then finding a way to pay Crossfit’s relatively high
fees isn’t so much a sacrifice as a tithe.
Crossfit is a cult!!
Crossfit is not
a cult. People tend to use this word to describe and defame any community they
don’t understand. These people are ruled by fear. One of Crossfit’s Seven
Sacred Guiding Principles is ‘Fear dies as muscles rise,’ which means that
union with Crossfit is actually the fastest way to discover how not a cult it
is.
Crossfit is dangerous!!
For 99% of
Adepts, Crossfit is completely safe. Occasionally, an Adept joins who has either
not truly given their heart to the Seven Sacred Guiding Principles or who has
angered Zantar in some other fashion—perhaps by failing to ingest the proper
amount of protein, and this person falls out of favor and is punished through
failure and physical humiliation. In this way, Crossfit is really no more
dangerous than any workplace—and unlike most situations, where the Adept who
falls from favor is removed from the organization, at Crossfit an Adept who
survives their chastening is given the opportunity to regain their place
through a ritual we call ‘Box Jumps.’
Crossfit is a fad!!
Uh, only if you
call an order that was already well established before Christ was born a fad!!
Crossfit makes you eat a
live frog!!
We’ll admit it,
once upon a time Crossfit did require that all Adepts ingest a live frog as
part of the ascension ritual. This practice was ended in 2009 when a fresh translation
of our sacred texts led to the discovery that the Akkadian words for ‘frog’ and
‘water’ were interchangeable. Several other changes were made at this time,
such as the elimination of live bats from the workout space and a reduction in
time allowed for family visitation.
