12 Situations That Are In No Way Ironic

A poor man sells his prized pocket watch to buy his wife a comb for her beautiful hair, his wife is grateful and apologizes for not getting him anything.

A lifeguard drowning in his own blood.

A celebrity getting murdered by the president of some other celebrity’s fan club.

You laugh at a person who slips on a banana peel and later that day fall into a deep depression.

A man who plays the same numbers in the state lottery every week for twenty-two years meets professional wrestler CM Punk at a charity event.

A seminar on ‘scheduling and planning’ is cancelled due to the teacher getting bitten by a rabid fox and needing medical attention.

A fertility specialist with five children, eight grandchildren, and a great-grandson on the way.

An IRS agent who forgets to pay his taxes due to undiagnosed Early Onset Alzheimer’s.

A man describing having once seen someone order two Big Macs, two large fries, two apple pies, and a Diet Coke all for himself as being ironic is fired for making personal calls during business hours.

Torrential rain the day after your wedding, ending the draught that nearly drove the small farming community you reside in to ruin.

A dog shredding her Obedience School diploma at her master’s behest.

Two married marriage counselors get divorced from their respective spouses. They weren’t married to each other. They don’t even live in the same country, one is American and the other is Japanese.

A Proposed Solution to the American Poetry Problem

Where once the poetic community bemoaned a lack of readership, recently the problem has shifted—too many Americans are now endeavoring to produce poetry of their own. In a world where everyone considers themselves capable poets, artists with actual merit risk finding themselves subsumed in static, or worse, demonized as being no better than these poseurs. The poetry community hasn’t experienced such crisis since Frost came across a fork in the road (forgive the joke, I simply can’t help myself) and it is clear that a solution must be found, as this sudden zeal on the part of amateurs has already proven to be at best a nuisance, and actually dangerous in the most extreme cases.

For example, just the other day I was forced to endure an interminable wait in the check-out line at my local grocery store while the clerk, inspired by the image of two cantaloupes in a plastic sack, attempted to extemporize in free verse about the commodification of female flesh. All that his insipid mutterings accomplished was backing up the line so that by the time it was my turn to pay the ice cream in my cart had melted, Rocky Road reduced to debris strewn pond. And of course this example pales in comparison to the fact that the US Department of Labor has recently announced surges in both the jobless rate and the number of unemployment benefit applications arriving in Pantoum form, and especially in regards to the tragic tale of Flight 160, which ended abruptly in an Illinois cornfield after its pilot was suddenly overcome by the urge to compose a sestina describing the buttons on a first-class passengers overcoat, the scrap of paper containing these six clumsy lines being the only survivor of the crash.

Last month, in response to the crash of Flight 160 and the ensuing public outcry, the Institute for Higher Poetics released their list of approved poetic topics in an attempt to codify actual poetry and differentiate from amateur work, and while this was a valiant attempt I must agree with those who found the list sorely lacking. For example, the IHP lists ‘faded polaroid pictures of your former lover as a child’ and ‘sunlight breaking against a windowpane in your grandfather’s cabin’ on their approved list, but make no mention of ‘rusted combine tractors in an overgrown field’ or ‘inclement weather as metaphor for failed love.’ There are other major omissions as well, the most boggling perhaps being a complete dearth of entries regarding orchards of any kind. Can you imagine American poetry without any orchards? Would you want to? Perhaps this omission might be credited to the difficulty of the task and the limited amount of time they were given to complete it (the IHP was under some pressure from the White House, after all) but nevertheless many believe that the IHP’s attempt was ultimately futile, a glancing blow in place of the necessary total evisceration.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO JJ ABRAMS

Dear JJ Abrams,

I understand the stress you must be under right now as you prepare to begin filming episode VII, so please know that I really, really appreciate you taking the time to read this letter. I know that the many demands of a project such as this doesn’t leave much time for anything else, even things like family time, which you’ve mentioned really valuing in several interviews, so the fact that you are reading this shows your commitment to the fans. Very cool.

Sir, I am a fan. A big fan. A life-long fan. Many of the best memories of my life are tinged with elements of Star Wars…dressing as C-3PO for Halloween four years in a row as a kid (my sister Ellie accompanied me as R2 the first two years, and then our parents divorced and she went to live with my mom, so our dog, Wedge, took her place). In high school, I was nearly successful in getting Rebel Fanfare played at the prom. When episode I came out, my mom skipped her chemo treatment to bring me to the earliest possible showing the day it was released.

I’m not telling you these things to brag, sir, but to show you that I am what I claim to be.

Like many fans, I’ve spent years thinking about what episode VII might have in store for us. I’m sure you are aware of this. If you know where to look, the internet is rife with fan-scribed scripts for the film, most of them laughably inept (my personal favorite is entitled Star Wars Episode 7: The Fear Strikes and features a scene where Princess Leia, dressed in the metal bikini from Jedi, eats an entire watermelon in slow motion while an ewok laps up the juices that run down her body. Where to even begin? She kept that bikini, really? She was forced to wear that as a slave to Jabba, you think she held on to it? Let’s not even get started on how someone who lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away got their hands on a watermelon. Maybe if they’d called it something else, whatever, a zarkomelon or something, it could have passed…but in the script it’s referred to as a watermelon four times. It’s beyond ridiculous. I have the whole thing as a pdf; I can send it to you if you want).

Sir, I have a suggestion for something I believe—something I strongly believe—must appear in the Episode VII. A single scene. See, unlike many other fans, I trust you, sir. I trust you to come up with a thrilling plot, to create character arcs true to the originals that also push things forward, to craft a movie worthy of our high hopes. There’s this one scene, though, that’s always been bouncing around my mind—more of a moment than a scene, really, and I’d like to pitch it. I do not require any financial compensation for this, I don’t want a credit, I don’t want tickets to the premier. I ask for nothing, sir, because I believe so strongly in this single moment which I will describe momentarily that seeing it included in the film, knowing that it will enrich this film and universe that has meant more to me than anything else, is compensation enough.

Okay, enough build-up! Again, thanks for your time. I believe that there should—no, that there must—be a scene in the new Star Wars movie where Han and Leia’s kid is acting crazy and Han and Leia look at each other and say “She takes after you!” simultaneously.

That’s it. Just that little moment. You can choose what Han and Leia’s daughter is doing to illicit this reaction, you can put it at any point in the film you find suitable. Personally I think it would work well as a humorous moment during an otherwise intense action sequence, to momentarily break the tension, but again, beyond pitching this one exchange my intent is not to be prescriptive.

I believe this scene will accomplish a few things. First of all, it will signal to the audience that even though Han and Leia have been married for decades that their dynamic and chemistry has remain unchanged. Having them speak the same accusatory thought at the same time shows that they are still tough on each other but that they also have a lot in common, that they are essentially thinking with one mind. So in that way, the exchange is humorous and insightful. I think it also shows how much Han and Leia see of themselves in each other, and how much of themselves they see in their daughter. This will make their family unit seem that much stronger and more endearing to the audience.

This moment is also keeping with the sense of humor of the earlier films, which often had elements of screwball comedy. I think it’s become popular to disparage the humor in the series, but I believe (and I’m guessing you agree) that Lucas was specifically attempting to capture the slightly hokey, old fashioned tone of the films he enjoyed as a youth, just as the films themselves were meant to mimic old serials. In this way, the humor in the films is actually quite sophisticated; another reason I believe this moment I am suggesting will fit perfectly with whatever you have planned.

I’ll be honest, sir—this exchange has roots in my own life. My parent’s divorce was very difficult for me, and as I mentioned above my sister eventually went to live with my father in Lubbock while I stayed behind with mom. One night, right before their final split, my parent’s were up late deciding custody issues, unaware that I was listening in. They both anxiously wanted custody of my sister, but when it came time to discuss my fate, can you guess what they said? Can you guess what they said simultaneously? I bet you can. Only I don’t think they meant it in the sweet, fun, loving way I envision for Han and Leia. My parents weren’t thinking with one mind, they were accusing one another. Instead of seeing elements of themselves in me, they saw elements of one another—the very same elements they were divorcing to escape.

So I guess if I’m being honest—and I am, sir, as it’s only right to be honest with someone I respect as much as I respect you—I am hoping that the inclusion of this moment in Episode VII will both enrich the film and bring me a sense of peace. I go to bed most nights with those words…he takes after you…running through my mind. Hearing them from Han and Leia may be the only way to bring me peace.

In closing, I hope you consider my proposal. I have a lot of respect for you, and I’ve been a vocal supporter of many of your projects (even the ones that were a little more difficult to defend). While I do have personal motivations behind my suggested scene, know that the sanctity of Star Wars is always first and foremost in my thoughts.

ABC's of 24

Longtime fans are anxiously awaiting a fresh Jack-Attack tomorrow night with the return of 24 on Fox, while the uninitiated might feel a little baffled by all the hype. Whatever camp you belong to, this handy guide should help prime the pump for what promises to be a most labyrinthine season.

A is for Arson. Jack Bauer, star of 24, has a particular hatred of arsonists due to the fact that his step-mother was murdered leaving a screening a Backdraft in 1991.

B is for Bollywood. At the end of season 6, Jack found himself stranded in India, where he found work for a time designing sets for the movies.

C is for Catnip. Jack’s tech-savy sidekick Chloe once performed in avant-garde dental hygiene instructional films under the stage name ‘Catnip.’

D is for Dumb and Dumber. In Season 4, President Falcon is watching Dumb and Dumber on Cinemax when he finds out that bees have swarmed the White House.

E is for Egalitarian.  Season three introduced Dennis Hopper as terrifying villain ‘The Egalitarian,’ who sought to blind the entire world (using radio waves) in hopes that a sightless society would be a society without racial division.

F is for France. Early in season 1 it’s established that France does not exist in the world of 24. This created confusion in season 2 when Wallace refers to his Roast Beef sandwich as a French Dip. Attempting to explain this discrepancy lead to the introduction of Ken Marino as fan favorite character Franklin French, Minister of Meats.

G is for Goulden’s Mustard, the only mustard Franklin French approves (due to a multi-million dollar sponsorship deal between Fox and the Goulden’s syndicate.

H is for Handsome Boy Modeling School. In season 8, Jack is in Tower Records looking for the latest release from this group when a race war erupts.

I is for Inchworm. Following his conversion to Buddhism in season 5, Jack’s declaration that all life is sacred is tested when he finds an inchworm in his hair.

J is for Justified, a massively superior show to 24.

K is for Kitaro. Oakley the Counter-Terrorism Task Force Pony sports a saddle decorated with images of this popular Japanese recording artist.

L is for Love. Jack Bauer ran through roughly a dozen love interests over the course of the show’s first 8 seasons, but his lingering devotion to his dead stepmother prevents him from ever really committing to anyone.

M is for Meatballs III: Summer Job. The synopsis of this film (and I’m not making this up, go to Wikipedia and check) goes: When porn star Roxy Doujor is denied entrance into the afterlife, she is given one last chance to help some poor soul on Earth. She finds Rudy Gerner, (whose character was the center of the original film as an adolescent) working at a summer river resort. Roxy is given the task of helping Rudy lose his virginity in order to be allowed into the afterlife.

N is for Needful Things. 24 producers Elliot Burger and Mojo Sexwood are huge fans of Stephen King’s 1991 horror novel, so much so that in the season 2 episode that saw Jack visit the Library of Congress they purchased over 100,000 copies to stock the shelves with.

O is for Oakley the Counter-Terrorism Pony. Ebenezer Hotfoot, The pony who played Oakley, committed suicide in 2009.

P is for Pain. When you think of pain, you probably think of something physical. Let me tell you, though, that the worst kind of pain is to have loved and lost, no matter how the saying goes.

Q is for Quiet. The hardest thing to get used to, since Mavis left, has been the quiet. The house just seems empty without the hum of her sewing machine or the buzz of her nebulizer. We used to watch 24 together, when we first started dating. I wonder if Gary likes 24? I wonder if she’ll watch it with him, now? Probably not. Gary’s probably into, I don’t know, watching professional poker tournaments on TV, something like that.

R is for Rancid, the Berkley-based punk rock band behind 24’s classic theme song, ‘Spirit of ’87.’

S is for steak, the only food Jack Bauer eats. Preferably raw.

T is for Tangerine Dream, the German electronic music group Christopher Franke was involved with before snagging the role of Chancellor Massey in season’s 4-7.

U is for Urinary Tract Inspection, the name of the ska band Jack Bauer fronted before becoming a spy.

V is for Vulnerable. Jack Bauer is a tough guy in a classic mold—capable, unflappable, determined to achieve success at any cost. His one vulnerability? He was born with a GI tract and can’t survive long with being hooked up to the complicated machinery he relies on to stay alive.

W is for Wax. In 2005, Fox released a line of 24-themed candles.

X is for X. Every season of 24 ends with Jack relaxing by tripping balls in a hot tub, usually with a celebrity guest star (Sally Kellerman, Bob Newhart, Monica Lewinski, Richard Lewis, etc) to keep him company.

Y is for Yards Across America, a charity organization started by producer Mojo Sexwood to promote green grass and hedges from coast to coast.

Z is for Zero’s Subs. In season 2, Wallace pledges to eat one Zero’s submarine sandwich every hour for a full 24 hour to in honor of his recently murdered grandmother, but falls short when he fails to plan ahead and Zero’s closes at 9pm on weekdays.

Misconceptions about Crossfit

I don’t have time to exercise!!

This is actually more of a misconception about YOU!!!! Crossfit believes that everyone has time to exercise, and that exercise is everywhere. That manhole cover you pass on your sprint to work? Heft it over your head! Instead of walking down to the Xerox machine every time you need to make a copy, work your core by dragging the machine back to your office! Crossfit gives you the skills you need to carve the body you want out of the life you have.

Crossfit is too expensive!!

Sure, Crossfit is a little pricier than your typical YMCA. But think about what you’re getting—a close-knit community of fellow Adepts. If you’re looking for some old guys to form a book club with, hit the YMCA and enjoy the savings. If you want that next level, if you want to surround yourself with taut, slightly sweaty, super enthusiastic friends with whom (at the upper levels) you’ll be able to communicate telepathically, then finding a way to pay Crossfit’s relatively high fees isn’t so much a sacrifice as a tithe.

Crossfit is a cult!!

Crossfit is not a cult. People tend to use this word to describe and defame any community they don’t understand. These people are ruled by fear. One of Crossfit’s Seven Sacred Guiding Principles is ‘Fear dies as muscles rise,’ which means that union with Crossfit is actually the fastest way to discover how not a cult it is.

Crossfit is dangerous!!

For 99% of Adepts, Crossfit is completely safe. Occasionally, an Adept joins who has either not truly given their heart to the Seven Sacred Guiding Principles or who has angered Zantar in some other fashion—perhaps by failing to ingest the proper amount of protein, and this person falls out of favor and is punished through failure and physical humiliation. In this way, Crossfit is really no more dangerous than any workplace—and unlike most situations, where the Adept who falls from favor is removed from the organization, at Crossfit an Adept who survives their chastening is given the opportunity to regain their place through a ritual we call ‘Box Jumps.’

Crossfit is a fad!!

Uh, only if you call an order that was already well established before Christ was born a fad!!

Crossfit makes you eat a live frog!!

We’ll admit it, once upon a time Crossfit did require that all Adepts ingest a live frog as part of the ascension ritual. This practice was ended in 2009 when a fresh translation of our sacred texts led to the discovery that the Akkadian words for ‘frog’ and ‘water’ were interchangeable. Several other changes were made at this time, such as the elimination of live bats from the workout space and a reduction in time allowed for family visitation.